One vague idea...

I told you guys I am a lazy blogger! Today my friend Thembie wrote me from Cape Town and told me he figured out I have a commitment issue, thats why I stopped blogging. Thanks for the psychoanalysis...always can count on my friends to do so.

Okay let me give you a few excuses and I will get to it. These past few weeks I have actually been organizing a premiere for my film Sincerely Ethiopia here in Denver. What does that even mean??? Well it means lots of phone calls, meetings, negotiating, marketing, distributing, schmoozing, sponsor agreements, freak outs, failures, mistakes and long emails. Add to it, I am on crutches and not very graceful at that either so its been a bit busy for me. Quick awesome story, I got to the soundcheck venue the day before my premiere and realized the wrong venue was booked... its things like this that I could swear happen to no one else but me so pardon my laziness.

On top of that I was also deciding what to do with my life, more or less. I'm dramatic if you haven't noticed by now. But really I had to just kind of take a step back and really start to process and look at this year, my goals, what was, what is and what should come from my end anyways. If I have learned anything through this experience its that our lives are just wildly unpredictable. Maybe mine more than many others but seriously I have stopped planning as much and just learning to go with the flow. Easier said than done! This meant a lot of personal reflection and very targeted prayers and conversations with important people in my life. Have I decided...absolutely not! But I feel much clearer and centered, thats what peace of mind does I think.

I just want to share a quickie on Sincerely Ethiopia. Shameless personal plug but this is my blog so I get to do what I want!

For me this project is such a passion/faith project. I am not saying this to be preachy but because at times where my faith in a lot of things be it people or situations or God was just so tested I could really just fall back on this project and tangibly see it. I knew where we started and how unprepared and unplanned we were, at times still are. Then I take a step back and see where we are and just seriously start to realize how powerful faith is. I am a doer and a questioner, to my own destruction at times so this project helps me grow my faith a lot as I see and question and work on it.

I just want to encourage anyone out there who needs it. One phone call 3 years ago started a crazy project that has now encompassed so many people and will continue to impact many more. I have no idea where it is going, I just know that we believed in it far before any of this ever came to life. I learned that is what being a visionary is!  I hope you get a chance to see it, if you really want to contact me personally I will make sure it happens. When you do see it, I hope you realize that one phone call with a friend sharing a very vague idea began it all.

Step out in faith guys. You might have a whole audience waiting to see that vague idea come to life! 

Consistency

I am not at liberty to speak of things as freely as I would like. Bear with me I will try my best to share what I can. Past few days have been extraordinarily tough for me. More emotional than anything. Yeah i'm a girl so i'm more prone to be victim of this crap but I especially don't enjoy dwelling in them. I try to stay away from them. Emotions are dangerous and can't be trusted, they are fleeting and very conditional.

In all honesty I actually have no desire to write this blog right now, i'm not in the mood, I don't really want to share but I hope it can do something for someone. For that reason alone I will. I started to realize the extent of a lot of this whole experience recently.

There's waves I guess. I am in a funky one right now. Seasons are just that though, so I embrace this one too. I will keep my point short.

I heard a speaker last week at Avenue Denver speak on consistency. Not your highs not your lows but you consistent path. That was the most important path he taught us, it was the one that would define your character and who you are in many ways.

I am fighting to stay consistent. Apart from highs and from lows. Its not easy getting down and letting yourself stay there is easier, I have done it. Being in the high is fun, everyone loves it. But being in that constant place is probably the most rewarding I believe.

Keep me in your prayers especially this week. I'm fighting to stay consistent and for anyone out there in the same boat, just know that you are not alone.

-HK

People as Evidence

One of my bestest friends is from Southern Africa, actually he is my brother. By the way i'm that annoying person who has like 34 best friends all over the place but I can't help it good people just come my way and rarely do I let them go! Anyways, he is finishing up his MBA in Europe and is going to be doing big things in a matter of months, I can't wait to sit back and watch that black boy fly.

He texted me the other day feeling really low. This is unlike him his spirits are usually sky high so I was concerned.  He is in a space where he is far from his friends and family just lonely and more than that struggling to find his place in a society that does not care for blacks, especially high achieving males (what a world we live in).  It is an incredibly difficult situation to be in I cannot even attempt to empathize so I just reminded him of what he is there for. What his focus should be on and so much more, I gave it everything I had. Somehow I couldn't stop thinking about our conversations even days later.

All I could keep thinking was wow. He is at a highlight in his life, undeniably. One that many people would be so fortunate to have and he couldn't focus on that. Here I am in what I can honestly define as a presumed low point in my life and he was reaching out to me to help. I couldn't make sense of it. Just kept thinking if that was me I would do this and that....silly me.

It took me a while to recognize something. He is at a high point in his life based on standards of the material world. MBA program, Europe, high achieving blah blah blah. I was looking at the fact that he had all these very worldly things but yet he seemed so incredibly unhappy. I am at a point where I am uncertain of many things, my career, my finances, my health etc and yet I can say I am ok. So why the disconnect? People.

I don't say this to brag don't get me wrong, rather to make it known that it is the consistent presence, kindness, and love of so many of my friends and family near and especially far that keeps me afloat. I believe and trust in God fully, no one will ever tell me otherwise. I believe he puts certain people in your life to show you his love and presence and most days after everyone goes home and I am laying in bed reading or thinking I always go back to that. One clear way God showers me in his love is through the people in my life. My home has become the hangout spot, everyone comes over here often we have lots of dinner or breakfast parties. Shout out to my sunshine of a mother who deals with the hungriest of them :)  But really besides the food, it has become this way because its filled with the understanding that we are each others keepers and family. I wish I could more eloquently share how important that has been for me. I can honestly tell you not a day has gone by where I feel alone or scared.

Love is deep and intense and I wont try to define it best I can do for you is to push you to
read up on 1st Corinthians 13 to get an exhaustive definition of it. But lately what I have seen is that love is shown by being present. For my friend he is in this definitive moment of his life, that will undoubtedly shape his future and his families. But what he is missing the presence of positive people. Those who build him and pour out good things to him out of love. As a result this high time has turned into a low. I just want to be present for him and be his family even thousands of miles away. I've heard to whom much is given, much is expected so I think I have to step up.

I should say a big HUGE thank you to everyone who has been with me. In texts/calls/deliveries/email/visits all of it. You have been my daily gifts from up above.

-HK

Impatient Patient.

My last post was about gaining perspective. Thats what the whole weeklong hospital process was for me. I am really grateful for that time, I couldn't help but think what if this happened in Ethiopia or Ghana or something. As much as I prefer living and working in Africa I can't deny the fact that the standard of care here is unmatched and it is probably what has kept me so well thus far.

I wish I could share more about my time at the hospital but I was literally so dazed and lethargic due to my painkillers it was hard to make sense of things. I wish there was video footage of my inability to stay awake during conversations. That stuff was quality.

Anyways, being home I have consciously decided to ease off the meds. A little pain really never hurt anyone, in fact it makes you stronger. It is really awesome to watch and feel your body get a bit stronger every day. The human body is fascinating, I am learning so much about how to help myself heal. Mind, body and soul is really true guys!!! Keep positive, try to eat healthy and always feed my soul what will help it grow. That requires me being selective of certain people, conversations, thoughts, meals, etc. All goes back to my daily choices. I always remember a preaching I heard a while back feed what you want to grow and starve what you want to die. This line is powerful. Simmer on it for a second.

So best advice doctors have given me. Be patient. Let your body rest and heal. BOY has this been my weakness. I am a demanding person by nature, I demand a lot out of myself and those around me. Ask anyone who has ever had to work with me, at times this can be such a vice in my life. As I watch my body get stronger daily and I can lift my leg and move around a bit easier it has me feeling a lot bolder. Demanding much more of my body than I should. This boldness comes from only what I can see on the outside. Rather superficial. It is actually very ignorant of me (sadly I know it). My doctors told me 6 weeks before I can move because they actually have a deep understand and can see what is going on inside my body.

If it were up to me I swear I would be hoping around on a crutch trying to make it work. I will respect what my doctors require, mostly because my mom wouldn't even give ears to me attempting to walk. But I suppose what I am struggling with is patience because I am so keen on short term progress. I am a product of an environment that does not believe in slow and steady, we are so short, impatient, hard hitting and unsustainable. Me being patient with my body is actually counterintuitive. At this point I have no choice, so I do it. I am learning each day though, patience is not easy but it lies in the hope that something far greater is waiting a distance away. That excites me.

I swear I feel like i'm going to be flying at the end of this!

-HK 

Perspective. Got some!

Sunday morning came and I swear between the four of us and our families it felt like the whole Ethiopian community of Colorado came to the hospital. I was in the Intensive Care Unit (ICU), actually a really awesome place they take the best care of you there I learned and you have a multitude of nurses who are so caring to your every need. I made some cool friends at that ICU I keep thinking of how I want to go back and say thanks and give them gifts (someone hold me accountable to that please).  It got so ridiculous at one point one of the nurses told me they shut down the waiting room, they were only letting people into my room 2 by 2. In my twisted mind I remembered the story of Noah and the Arc where they let the animals on the Arc 2 by 2 and kind of chuckled. Everyone who came  had about 5 minutes, they poured nothing but love, kindness and encouragement in my ears. Fruits of the Spirit. I am amazed at how much that does for me, I want to do that more each day for others.


The day went on and it went from X-ray to Cat scan, to blood test and they would do it all over again on a different part of my body. The cruelest thing happened to me at the hospital. Okay i'm exaggerating a bit but in anticipation for surgery my doctors had banned me drinking any water. Just giving me fluids through the IV. For days they refused me water, still unclear of when my surgery would be or the extent of my wounds. They had to be joking, it made no sense to me why and despite my desperate pleas and pathetic begs everyone was headstrong. No water. At one point one of my cooler nurses gave me an ice cube, you have no idea what that did for me. He told me he would give me an ice cube every few hours, it was monumental to be perfectly honest. I would get really sad when his shift ended.

One thing a lot of people have noted about me and keep encouraging me on is my positivity during this whole thing. Sunday afternoon was where this all began. After a barrage of tests and exams a group of surgeons came to me personally and broke it down for me. They told me every single thing that was wrong with me thus far. I had a lacerated liver (it was bleeding), my left leg was injured, my right leg was broken at the pelvis and to add 2 of my lovely vertebrae were also fractured. The list did not seem to end, my doctors told me I needed surgery immediately and that it would be 6 months before I was fully healed. I literally could not believe what I was hearing, I felt so sick to my stomach. For me it felt like I had a few bumps but it would be okay but all of a sudden it got so real! I just started weeping literally weeping like a child. I was beyond angry all I kept thinking was I didn't even want to go out. We had a responsible driver, we did everything to protect ourselves and everyone around us but somehow that was not enough. And now 6 months of my life were to be on hold, WTF!? I could not stop crying. I swear every ounce of anger I could muster just came to life.

My sister and friend came into the room asking me what had happened and I just went on in my tearful rant about everything that they told me. I remember my friend tried to console me really sweetly, I was far beyond kind words at this point. My sister looked me straight in the eye and with such a stern voice and piercing eyes she just told me to STOP. She asked me what would I do if I was dead, would I keep crying what if one of my friends had died. She gave it to me so real I couldn't even keep going. She just put a lot of things into perspective and soon much of my emotions started to settle. We could have died, any one of us, we could have been injured far worse.

But we weren't. That alone was enough for her.

There was no way I was going to sit and think about a 6 month recovery as lost time when what I was given was far too precious and incomparable. I was given a second chance. I promised myself then that I would look at this thing with a renewed perspective. That is why I titled this blog roundeux- round two. That is what this is for me.

Man, i'm incredibly fortunate. When you come that close to understanding your own mortality you have no choice. For me it was clear I had to be positive and grateful for the smallest of things, even a six month recovery time where everything else has to be on pause. Perspective can be life changing.

-HK

Game Changer: Saturday August 17th, 2013

My life was thrown into a very quick and strange whirlwind on the night of Saturday Aug 17 2013. I had been back home in Denver for about 6 weeks from a year abroad in Ghana where I was working post graduation. I had my hands full in many areas but I loved every moment of it. I was working on promoting our film Sincerely Ethiopia, hosting premieres, organizing for our fall schedule, finishing up interviews and starting my new job, finishing up my contract with my old job and just trying to be present at home with my friends and family. Honestly it was life at 1000 miles an hour I am not exaggerating. Many times to the dismay of my friends and family who couldn’t seem to understand why I was always so busy. For me, I just knew I had a very special a purpose and vision and I could never forget that so I pushed at it, every single day. I was all set to go back to my home Africa. Addis first, Lagos, Abuja and then back to Accra where I was going to call home again for the next year.

I honestly was so excited, I felt like I had the perfect summer. I travelled Europe a bit where I got to see Paris and Madrid with my one of my best friends, left my old job on such a wonderful note and hit the ground running when I got home.  I couldn’t thank God more. Each day I just saw that he put special people, events and things in my life to help push what I really believed in. Opening doors and opportunities where I could not see any and more than that giving me the energy and ability to get through it all. 

Saturday was an awesome day, I deemed that day my day off. I was not going to have more meetings or do work rather use it to enjoy the company of people I rarely get to spend time with. From the morning all the way out. I couldn't help but slide in a breakfast meeting. But in my defense it was with one of the producers of GirlRising, a powerful documentary that I just can not say enough good things about. Just go check it out! We spent a couple of hours in the morning just sharing ideas, experiences and visions we had. Those are my favorite kind of people, who just inspire and challenge you to think of why you aren’t aiming for more. Rediate was just that, we met at Starbucks and she talked to me very candidly about challenges coming into your life as you start to pickup and gain traction. She told me incredibly tough times would come, she told me to prepare for it and to realize that it was all a part of a process that would build me to be stronger and take on more. She encouraged me to be accepting of those moments because it was everything I needed to keep moving forward and grow. (She couldn’t have been more accurate that day, thanks Rediate!)

In the afternoon there was a an event called Cultivate put on by Chipotle (one of my favorite eateries in the US) It was free music at City Park and food all day. I couldn’t resist but to invite all my friends, gather my nieces and go hang out. It was such a chill day, I even had a beer (which I usually hate) and just hung out for hours. Caught up with some old classmates from DU and just enjoyed the day. My friends were so keen on going out that night to celebrate, one last time everyone said before you leave. I really didn’t want to go out, at all. I am not good at drinking, I had become somewhat of a workahlic and really valued my sleep and rest. No one cared, I was told to be ready and we would celebrate. So I went home, finished up some work talked to my director/best friend Nate that night for a while and just shared how excited I was about my morning meeting. All the things I had learned and couldn’t wait to share with my team, they are my rock! His ridiculous energy and positivity sometimes make me sick (literally) but I know I couldn't do what we do with Sincerely Ethiopia without him so I got off the phone on a good note. Promised some notes from my meeting and lots of takeaway tasks.

That night I went over my friends’ house. Everyone was there hanging out getting ready to go out, it was the usual. Nothing out of the ordinary no strange feelings or vibes everyone was in a good mood. I didn’t want to go out even being there I moped around and asked that I be excused from this party for me. We left the house in 2 cars, about 9 of us. We had sober designated drivers because we were drinking a bit and knew better than to drink and drive. We took caution and set off. Even in the car I remember we were having an excellent conversation about what makes successful people we argued passion over hard work, luck, good company etc. Many things trying to figure out how we could each push it to that level. Before I knew it we were hit, really hard from the back.

I don’t want to share more about the actual accident its traumatic. 

But the days coming….my goodness I could not have expected. It’s about midnight now now and my Vicodin is kicking in hard so I’ll take a pause here for tonight. 

-HK

About me

I’ve always wanted to blog, never have had the time to be diligent or purposeful about it. I suppose when you get into a near deadly car crash with your best friends and are put on bed rest for 6 weeks it give you a bit of both. This will mostly be my unfiltered stream of consciousness so excuse my lack of attention for decent grammar. 

I no longer have an excuse not to so here goes, ill try to share my daily woes and thoughts but mostly throw some light into simple lessons I pickup on my way to recovery.  FYI once I'm up the world is my playground again :)

-HK