Consistency

I am not at liberty to speak of things as freely as I would like. Bear with me I will try my best to share what I can. Past few days have been extraordinarily tough for me. More emotional than anything. Yeah i'm a girl so i'm more prone to be victim of this crap but I especially don't enjoy dwelling in them. I try to stay away from them. Emotions are dangerous and can't be trusted, they are fleeting and very conditional.

In all honesty I actually have no desire to write this blog right now, i'm not in the mood, I don't really want to share but I hope it can do something for someone. For that reason alone I will. I started to realize the extent of a lot of this whole experience recently.

There's waves I guess. I am in a funky one right now. Seasons are just that though, so I embrace this one too. I will keep my point short.

I heard a speaker last week at Avenue Denver speak on consistency. Not your highs not your lows but you consistent path. That was the most important path he taught us, it was the one that would define your character and who you are in many ways.

I am fighting to stay consistent. Apart from highs and from lows. Its not easy getting down and letting yourself stay there is easier, I have done it. Being in the high is fun, everyone loves it. But being in that constant place is probably the most rewarding I believe.

Keep me in your prayers especially this week. I'm fighting to stay consistent and for anyone out there in the same boat, just know that you are not alone.

-HK

People as Evidence

One of my bestest friends is from Southern Africa, actually he is my brother. By the way i'm that annoying person who has like 34 best friends all over the place but I can't help it good people just come my way and rarely do I let them go! Anyways, he is finishing up his MBA in Europe and is going to be doing big things in a matter of months, I can't wait to sit back and watch that black boy fly.

He texted me the other day feeling really low. This is unlike him his spirits are usually sky high so I was concerned.  He is in a space where he is far from his friends and family just lonely and more than that struggling to find his place in a society that does not care for blacks, especially high achieving males (what a world we live in).  It is an incredibly difficult situation to be in I cannot even attempt to empathize so I just reminded him of what he is there for. What his focus should be on and so much more, I gave it everything I had. Somehow I couldn't stop thinking about our conversations even days later.

All I could keep thinking was wow. He is at a highlight in his life, undeniably. One that many people would be so fortunate to have and he couldn't focus on that. Here I am in what I can honestly define as a presumed low point in my life and he was reaching out to me to help. I couldn't make sense of it. Just kept thinking if that was me I would do this and that....silly me.

It took me a while to recognize something. He is at a high point in his life based on standards of the material world. MBA program, Europe, high achieving blah blah blah. I was looking at the fact that he had all these very worldly things but yet he seemed so incredibly unhappy. I am at a point where I am uncertain of many things, my career, my finances, my health etc and yet I can say I am ok. So why the disconnect? People.

I don't say this to brag don't get me wrong, rather to make it known that it is the consistent presence, kindness, and love of so many of my friends and family near and especially far that keeps me afloat. I believe and trust in God fully, no one will ever tell me otherwise. I believe he puts certain people in your life to show you his love and presence and most days after everyone goes home and I am laying in bed reading or thinking I always go back to that. One clear way God showers me in his love is through the people in my life. My home has become the hangout spot, everyone comes over here often we have lots of dinner or breakfast parties. Shout out to my sunshine of a mother who deals with the hungriest of them :)  But really besides the food, it has become this way because its filled with the understanding that we are each others keepers and family. I wish I could more eloquently share how important that has been for me. I can honestly tell you not a day has gone by where I feel alone or scared.

Love is deep and intense and I wont try to define it best I can do for you is to push you to
read up on 1st Corinthians 13 to get an exhaustive definition of it. But lately what I have seen is that love is shown by being present. For my friend he is in this definitive moment of his life, that will undoubtedly shape his future and his families. But what he is missing the presence of positive people. Those who build him and pour out good things to him out of love. As a result this high time has turned into a low. I just want to be present for him and be his family even thousands of miles away. I've heard to whom much is given, much is expected so I think I have to step up.

I should say a big HUGE thank you to everyone who has been with me. In texts/calls/deliveries/email/visits all of it. You have been my daily gifts from up above.

-HK

Impatient Patient.

My last post was about gaining perspective. Thats what the whole weeklong hospital process was for me. I am really grateful for that time, I couldn't help but think what if this happened in Ethiopia or Ghana or something. As much as I prefer living and working in Africa I can't deny the fact that the standard of care here is unmatched and it is probably what has kept me so well thus far.

I wish I could share more about my time at the hospital but I was literally so dazed and lethargic due to my painkillers it was hard to make sense of things. I wish there was video footage of my inability to stay awake during conversations. That stuff was quality.

Anyways, being home I have consciously decided to ease off the meds. A little pain really never hurt anyone, in fact it makes you stronger. It is really awesome to watch and feel your body get a bit stronger every day. The human body is fascinating, I am learning so much about how to help myself heal. Mind, body and soul is really true guys!!! Keep positive, try to eat healthy and always feed my soul what will help it grow. That requires me being selective of certain people, conversations, thoughts, meals, etc. All goes back to my daily choices. I always remember a preaching I heard a while back feed what you want to grow and starve what you want to die. This line is powerful. Simmer on it for a second.

So best advice doctors have given me. Be patient. Let your body rest and heal. BOY has this been my weakness. I am a demanding person by nature, I demand a lot out of myself and those around me. Ask anyone who has ever had to work with me, at times this can be such a vice in my life. As I watch my body get stronger daily and I can lift my leg and move around a bit easier it has me feeling a lot bolder. Demanding much more of my body than I should. This boldness comes from only what I can see on the outside. Rather superficial. It is actually very ignorant of me (sadly I know it). My doctors told me 6 weeks before I can move because they actually have a deep understand and can see what is going on inside my body.

If it were up to me I swear I would be hoping around on a crutch trying to make it work. I will respect what my doctors require, mostly because my mom wouldn't even give ears to me attempting to walk. But I suppose what I am struggling with is patience because I am so keen on short term progress. I am a product of an environment that does not believe in slow and steady, we are so short, impatient, hard hitting and unsustainable. Me being patient with my body is actually counterintuitive. At this point I have no choice, so I do it. I am learning each day though, patience is not easy but it lies in the hope that something far greater is waiting a distance away. That excites me.

I swear I feel like i'm going to be flying at the end of this!

-HK